Making Things Right (A Love Story) Aleeh Nespie
Before, I have a wrong notion of love. I have had principle that the person that I’ll love “should love me back” also. All of my past love affairs failed all because I have this wrong concept of love.
When I’m in my Junior high school in La Verne Academy, I began to like someone – a Christian. Let’s just name him Mr. R. He is one of my classmates whom class bullies intimidate. I began to see something different in him; I don’t want those bullies to daunt him again & again. It’s like I’m a superwoman saving a weaker person. So, secretly, I had a crush on him, and eventually he knew that. Knowing that I admire him, he started to show also interest on me. Suddenly, he began to court me, and officially we went steady on September 8, 2005. This was one of the best experiences of my life. I even considered him my first love feeling something really different from my puppy love before. After 3 months of our relationship, it seemed like he’s getting unsure of what we have started between us all because of his first love who’s now staying in Scarborough, Ontario, Canada. I confronted him and told him that, “Why do you have to choose to have a commitment with me when you’re still not over with your childhood sweetheart?” That time, I felt so rejected; I even assumed that he’s just waiting for me to break up with him. Though, it’s painful, I did. The day after our 4th monthsary (January 9, 2006), after class, I was the one who chose to end everything between us. Honestly, it was so difficult to focus on my studies that time especially the fact that I’m running for honors would take so much focal point. But, I was distracted. However, thank God! He gave me the strength to overcome all the pain temporarily and fortunately, I graduated Valedictorian after 2 months of our break up. I just let him go for I don’t want to be attached with someone who’s uncertain in loving me. Literally, I had let him go but, left overs of the past are still there. Because of that feeling of rejection, I began to hate Mr. R. I really hate him and what was fossilized in my mind is that he never ever loved me at all – never at all. So, I began to find solution to hide all the pain – to cover the miseries that I had with him. I started to seek love & belongingness in having flings in text, computer chat rooms, and dated several guys whom I don’t personally know. No wonder I had 13 short-time boyfriends. It’s like one-after-the-other affair.
In my 1st year college days, a new environment welcomed me. After 5 months of anguish, I met someone who’s so weird. We’re actually classmates in my 1st year 1st Semester in Philippine Normal University. Let’s just name him Mr. G. I began to like his mysterious appearance. I wan to know more about him. He is an inquisitive man which made me assume that he is a smart guy. I didn’t make a mistake. He’s really a quick-witted person. It’s like the geek met the happy-go-lucky one, perhaps. He usually drops words that always make me think. I don’t know what’s on his mind most of the time. Due to so much curiosity, I made ways to be near him, figuratively. We came to the point of knowing each other. Every after our class, he accompanies me to Park n’ Ride Lawton bus terminal. We really enjoyed being with each others company. And, again crush thing blossomed. There was a time when I waited for him until he finished their group PE Dance practice. There, I was amazed on how he danced. He’s not that good in dancing but I like the way he tries hard just to dance. That’s why I called him Astroboy. I just waited for him; I just like to wait for him. I’m already planning to open up with him regarding my feelings, but then, I’m shocked because he was the one who firstly revealed his feelings for me. Waffle Time™ waffles are our favorite snack actually. Officially, we got steady on October 23, 2006. YES! That’s my 17th birthday. As if, I was the one who gave him a gift – my “OO”. We began to write each other letters. We really had a great time being with each other. We went to several places in Manila where I haven’t been into yet. With him, I started to be whole again. I exerted my sweetness. I’ve been so sweet with him. We even experienced things which are not appropriate at our age. I’ve shown the real me without hiding anything. It is with him I experienced a care that I once sought after Mr. R which I didn’t get. He has given almost his all to me. There are no perfect relationships. Of course, we also had been through many hindrances, problems, and trials but as the days pass by having him with me, I’m learning more things.
On May 1, 2007, I am baptized as a Born-again Christian and that is one of the reasons of our repetitive conflict. He is a full-pledged Roman Catholic, and much of our beliefs don’t match. That’s one of the roots of our disagreement. Yes, we are talking about it yet most of our thoughts, attitudes, and decisions even in small things are affected by what we believe in. So, things became complicated between us. I became so envious, selfish and self-centered. I always wanted his attention to be with me only. I began to mistrust him because of some things that he did that I can’t accept. I even shun pain and kept grudges with him. It has been also difficult for me to forgive him whenever he has done something wrong. I started to become self-centered measuring the things that he’s doing for me and expecting that I would benefit more in our affair. I’m even putting and pushing him into his limit. Perhaps, I was just afraid to be taken for granted so I’m just making things sure. I’m a villain, right?
He has been a victim of a victim like me – victim of having a wrong notion of love. He, then, got tired of me. He lets me go eventually. We have shared our lives to each other for 2 years and several months. But, there’s only one thing that I regret in our relationship – I hadn’t been a genuine Christian in front of him who should demonstrate the real love that I knew and experienced with Jesus Christ. I took him for granted and took advantage of his best.
In the last 2 ber months of 2008, things are going vague between us. Future has been so blurred. I was shocked when Mr. R messaged me last November 8, 2008 in Tagged.com saying that he wants to be “us” again. But, those are my critical days and I can’t entertain him. I’m broken and totally shattered. I spent a lot of days to move on. A person will only realize the worth of someone when he’s already gone.100% true. My heart took several days, weeks, and months to be unchained from holding on to him. Despite all, I believe that Mr. G loves me for he lets me go all because he wants me to learn and to focus on my priorities in life as a person and as a Christian. What’s wrong with me is that I can’t accept that things will fall apart. Things already changed. What was wrong is on how I respond to circumstances which are inevitable. I made ways to win Mr. G back yet it seems like it won’t work out anymore. I’ve let myself so attached with him as if I made him my world. In my move on days, here we go again. Somewhere in the days of February 2009, Mr. R began to court me again. He wants to make things right between us. He even opened up to me that he really does love me and he was sorry for the things he has done that hurt me a lot before. I still need space – more space to be whole again. And I’m not ready to commit myself for personally, I don’t know how to love. My life has a lot of loops in the first 4 months of 2009. It has also been difficult to narrate things because events overlap. The time that I was moving on from Mr. G, here comes Mr. R making things right with me “again.”
With all of these experiences, there’s only One person who didn’t ever fail me – JESUS CHRIST. He proved and continuously proves me His unfailing Love. I depended so much on persons whom I thought could give me the perfect Love that I long for. But, all throughout my various pursuits of true love, frustrated by not finding satisfactory answers, I discovered that my true happiness is in the Lord and in obeying His Word alone. Life without Him is like a cycle which will make one tired until he acknowledges that the Lord is all he has. Life without Him has no meaning no matter how many outlets one has. Life without Him will always be a failure. Now, I’m at the end of my rope and the Lord’s presence starts to move in my life. I now choose to be regulated by Him and His Word. Things are now getting clear. The Lord continues to remind me to dedicate my life only to Him while I’m still young. There are still more extravagant surprises to come, so crying over spilled milk won’t help me grow as a Christian. Past is past; let bygones be bygones. HE is the One who made me realize that everything in this world may fail me. Everyone in this world may disappoint me. But one thing is for sure, JESUS never FAILS. I choose to let the Lord conquer me and take over with my life. Truly, when the soul prospers, everything comes next.
One of my favorite quotes reminds me that God is sufficient:
No soul can really be at rest until it has given up dependence on everything else and has been forced to depend on the Lord alone. As long as our expectation is from other things, nothing but disappointment awaits us. – Hannah Whitall Smith
Truly, I shouldn’t look at things that are temporary but to things that are eternal. Another one from Gladys M. Hunt reveals that God is enough:
It is God who makes life complete. Oh, we yearn for this and ache for that. We concentrate on our need instead of on God… Wait for the Lord! Not for the thing you want, but for the Lord.
I might have lost my way before. But I learned so much from it. The Lord made me whole more than what others did. He held me up and renewed everything that was broken. Though I always fail Him, He has always been merciful. He still and even uses me in a deeper way after all of my failures. Ann Kiemel Anderson said, “Let go completely. Trust. Live with it all in an open hand before God. Jesus promises He WILL work it all out.”
1 John 4: 7 – 8; 11 – 12 revealed me that God is love. HIS Word proved that a love that will surely fill my empty longing heart comes from God and from God alone. And now, I’m learning the art of losing myself (Luke 9:23) in bringing the Lord praise. He doesn’t want me to be selfishly blinded by false love. So, He gave me 1 Corinthian 13: 4 – 8; 13. Now, I already know what the real meaning of love is and how to love through His powerful Word (John 1: 1 onwards). Whenever I remember the experiences I’ve been through, I cry out with the Lord because of unexplainable joy. If not because of those experiences, I won’t know that He is the One who truly loves me. God is so good! In 1 Corinthian 10:13, He provides a way for us to overcome our dependency on people, things, and ourselves. Now, I’m already learning to love without expecting anything in return; without asking what would this person will do good for me. Instead, the Lord renewed my mind toward love. I began to endure things without allowing myself to be worse. It even makes me a better person. I continue to see Mr. R now as my brother in Christ even Mr. G. I’m not expecting any specific person whom I will be with in the future for I know that God is in control. So, I’m not worrying for my future man. Now, I’m happy for the Lord is my motivation for loving a person and I’m learning to be content in His love.
Speaking of Mr. R, I’m so blessed for the Lord answered my prayers. Mr. R chose to be restored by the Lord. The Lord gives him a heart that’s willing to be renewed. Though Mr. R might not be the man for me, what is important is he would be back in God’s loving arms and delight in serving Him. Loving is not owning. Loving is letting go and letting God. The best is let the Lord’s Will be done. We’re in the same ministry, the same church; we get to know each other more through fellowship. We’re both serving the Lord and focusing on our priorities. And, we’re both waiting for the Lord. I always pray for God’s strength in guarding our hearts because I don’t want to be wrong again. I don’t want to become worse. I don’t want my feelings and emotions to be my basis of my decision. I want His Word to be my Supreme basis of faith. I want to be a better person. I want to love Mr. R without any dirty and selfish intentions. I want to love him as he is despite his shortcomings. Though we don’t know if there’ll be a future for us, I believe we are “growing in love” with each other. I’ve wasted my opportunity in loving Mr. G. But, this time, I’m making things right just for the Lord and through the strength of the Lord.
God’s love is more than enough – enough to make me satisfied, enough to take my loneliness and sadness, enough to reach my dreams, enough to be at peace, enough to save me from eternal death and enough to love HIM back above anything and anyone else. Thank You, Lord for this AMAZING LOVE.
-o0o-
Posts
